God Awful Reality Television

Saying that reality television is repulsive is like saying oranges are orange. But I have a new theory about reality television.

I always used to think that producers of reality television were awful, awful people, who just want to make money at the expense of filling up the airways with stupid shit. How else could you explain crap like Jersey Shore, or My Super Sweet Sixteen? These two shows are just the creme de la creme in an infinite line of ridiculous reality shows.

I have not watched Jersey Shore, ever (thank God), but people keep commenting about it online, so I have a pretty good idea about it. I have, unfortunately, come across My Super Sweet Sixteen several times on VH1 (remember the good ol' days when VH1 used to mainly play classic rock? What the hell happened?) Never, in my life, have I felt like I have nauseated out my soul through my eyes. There is only one person in the universe who can describe the horror of this show so poignantly: Charlie Brooker. Behold:

So far, so fucked up.

But I have a new theory about the television execs who make these shows: I think they are doing some sort of a grand exposé about the corners of society which are totally screwed up. I mean really, think about this the next time you watch a dreadful reality show. Don't you get the feeling that the producers are gasping and bursting into laughter while editing the show? Sure they may be laughing, but they still have noble intentions - putting themselves at the forefront with crass people, just so the rest of the world can know what goes on in the small crevices or civilisation.

Every time a snot-faced bastard child yells at their mother for buying them a sapphire rather than a ruby for their birthday, I can just imagine a television exec saying in an old-grandfatherly voice:

tut tut tut, we cannot have such arrogance and ignorance taking place in our society. Let us put this young lady in a reality show, so we can teach the rest of the population that this type of behavior is wrong. Also, let's make this young lady have as many tantrums as possible, so that people understand what type of horror will unfold if society keeps encouraging this.

All this brings me to one goddamn reality show which I have recently come across, thanks to a throwaway comment made about it on Cracked.com (I should really stop taking their throwaway comments seriously). This show just eats the cake when it comes to shitty reality shows.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Toddlers and Tiaras. Here is a description of the show in a nutshell: it follows around a band of crazy people who push their kids to participate in beauty pageants. The kids are all toddlers (duh), between the ages of 0 to 10 (what the heck is age '0' - when it's a fetus?)

I am pretty sure you know about it already, since it's been running for 2 years, but if you don't here is a small taster of it:

I don't know what possessed me, but I watched 2 entire episodes of this abomination. It is absolutely awful. Forget about the fact that nothing ever happens, except the same old dribble: you are introduced to three families and their little toddler girl who will be entering the pageant; the pageant is some awful shit thing which no one would ever care about, like Miss South-West Oklahoma Cowgirl Pretty Face Princess; many tantrums follow as the poor kids are forced to put on hooker makeup and get fake tanned; and then the shit-dribbling mothers jump in joy if their little girl wins something, or call their performance "horrible" if they don't.

The mothers of these girls are absolutely cuckoo. In one episode there was a mother of a 15 month old baby, who said that the only reason she had a daughter was so that she had someone to put in pageants. Furthermore, she confesses that she's thoroughly depressed about her three sons, and does not really want them.

I am not joking when I say that some of these parents need to have child services called on them. Who the heck spray tans their little kids? Forget about low self-esteem issues, you are putting horrible chemicals in their systems. This one mother even gives her 15 month old baby some caffeinated drink when she starts feeling sleepy. The mothers also keep calling their kids brats when they complain about the dress hurting them or not liking the sensation of hot hairdryers and curlers on their delicate heads. This is bloody child abuse, bitches.

In one episode, this Miss Oklahoma chick comes up and says, "I would personally never put my kid in a beauty pageant". Listen to Ms. Oklahoma. This woman knows what she's talking about, since she's been through the horror of it all.

The poor little toddlers are just squealing and crying, because of the shitty makeup and being forced to stay up from early morning till late afternoon, all the while parading around in front of shit-faced demons. Not to mention being put through the stress of performing well to win a crappy trophy. Heck, I am 20 years old, and if someone forced me through these procedures, I would kick their balls (or Lady-Balls).

A lot of the comments on YouTube point out how bratty these kids are, but here is the thing - I would be bratty and pissed off too, if my parents continuously made me parade around on stage in shitty makeup and a fucked-up dress, all the while obsessing over the next pageant at home.

I also don't see the point of these child beauty pageants. A lot of these crappy mums hope that their kid will become Miss America one day. Okay, firstly, there is no guarantee what your little girl will look like when she grows up (unless you are such a horrible mother that you give her anorexia and force her to go through plastic surgery). Secondly, who the heck says becoming Miss. America is the be-all and end-all of life? Does anyone even know the names of any of the previous Miss. Americas? They're all probably modelling for some shitty underwear brand for grannies, or working in porn.

Others point out that their kids get better self-esteem and confidence. You know what? Fuck you. I absolutely refuse to believe that these fucked up beauty pageants give you better self-esteem.

Even if you just want to have some innocent fun, by seeing whose little baby is the cutest or talented, then why the heck would you put all that makeup on them? I think I speak for everyone when I say that these kids look cute WITHOUT any makeup on. Makeup is for later life, when your soul-crushing acne will not leave you alone. These kids, however, look like crap with that hooker makeup and gigantic hair. See for yourself:

If these parents really wanted to build their kids self-esteem and make them more confident, they would just enter them in regular talent shows, where they can play the ukulele on stage, or whatever the hell it is that kids are doing nowadays.

But by the way most of these mothers talk, I doubt they give a damn about building the self-confidence of their kid. It's pretty obvious that the main reason for their obsession is because they had a dream to be in beauty pageants, and they are just forcing their daughters to live their crappy dream.

At first, I hated the people at this shitty TLC network for making this television series. But maybe they have a noble cause for it - maybe they are trying to teach the world how not to raise kids, how not to turn them into brats and not make them look like hookers.

Or maybe they are just making shit loads of money and giving us all the middle finger. Take your pick.


  1. Some of this obsessed moms even put their little girls through botox and wax just so that their daughters would look "pretty" for the pageants. Read this: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1386312/Pageant-mum-gives-year-old-daughter-BOTOX-WAXES-legs.html

  2. I can't stand reality tv shows, not just these ones but back in indo we have just as bad. Every time it's on, i always stare at it thinking why on earth are they wasting money on this piece of bullshit and i can't get my head around the idea of how there's people out there loving it. i don't even need to go as far as "people out there" but even my cousins loves them and i don't blame them for watching it but it was pretty funny watching this reality tv show with them and my sister. me and my sister would just look at each other knowing that this is all bull, whereas everyone in the room is so absorbed by all of it!

    OMG. Thankyou a million time for introducing Charlie Brooker because i've literally watched all his videos on youtube and i love it. hahaahahahha.

    Hhaha they'd probably say their aim is to make an awareness about the problem of raising a child these days but really... secretly they're just in for the money.

  3. @Ren: Jesus, that is horrible =O
    Don't they care for their kids AT ALL? Does this bitch even know that it is physically impossible for her daughter to get wrinkles?

    I hope that woman goes to jail. Most of these mums are piss-pot ugly and fat, I wonder if they are taking out their insecurities on their kids. This makes me sick at the world.

    Right now, I love my own mum so much.

  4. @Cels:

    Yeh, you're right. I detest reality shows. I mean, SOME are ok, like Project Runway. But even that, I only watched the 1st season, after which it got boring. But yeh, almost all reality shows are full of bullcrap. Especially the shit that MTV manages to come up with.

    Even Indian reality shows are full of shit. Just like you, I don't understand who the heck would enjoy watching these shows. But ratings are sky-rocketing, so there must be a lot of people out there. Maybe they just don't know any better? Sometimes my mom watches the Indian version of Big Brother, and I just roll my eyes. But even that is so innocent compared to the shit which is Toddlers and Tiaras.

    Hee hee, glad I could introduce you to him. I love him so much, he's my idol! It's too bad he stopped making those Screenwipe series :(
    But you should read the newspaper he writes for The Guardian, he's always so damn funny.

    Hee hee, I tried to come up with a theory to make out that maybe TV execs are not that evil. But I don't believe my own theory. It's all about da monays!

  5. Ohhh YEAH i forget about those shows, im actually watching this show "An Idiot Abroad", it's also a reality tv show about traveling but i guess i'm just in for the laugh because the guy hates traveling haha and i'm all for traveling. But yeah MTV is turning really shitty and Kingsley bitched about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iaCiRzXZds

    Oh my god indonesia actually has a version of Big Brother as well! i actually didn't know what Big brother is until one of my friend bitched about it hahahha.

    But what to do, like even in melbourne they have this show about hunting wives for farmers (wtf?)
    I shamefully admit that i do watch america's next top model sometimes just for my own guilty pleasure haha :x

    Ahhh that's too bad, i just watched his video on how tv can ruin your life.

  6. My sister used to be a "beaty queen." There isn't enough dynamite in the world to effectively wipe the pageant industry off the face of the planet.

  7. @Cels:
    Hee hee, that Kingsley guy is one pissed off person! I loved his rant. You know, he's right, all those ridiculous 8 hour TV marathons piss me off. VH1 used to be a good channel, like 5 years back. But then it turned into an MTV clone, playing endless shitty reality shows.

    Brooker turns up every now and then, doing some TV shows, but nothing beats Screenwipe! I really wish he would start a new series.

  8. @Beer for Shower: I really do hope your sister did not suffer too much. This is rather horrible, to see the extremes some of these people will put their kids through :(

  9. crrringgggeeee. even looking at those fake baby dolls who were once normal children, is just plain ugglyyy.